So I already shared my hatred and paranoia about Halloween, especially the costume part. And the fact that I needed to just suck it up and be festive anyway for Eli's party. So, despite my misgivings, I committed to wearing a costume. A real one, not just a witch hat and a black dress. But then it was the morning of the party. With still no costume in hand, I remembered an idea that Crista had emailed, which seemed fast, and easy, not that hard, and pretty cheap. The idea?
BP clean-up crew members. But not just any BP Clean-Up crew members. Ironic ones. How do you become an ironic BP clean up crew team, you may ask? Well, friends, the answer is in the t-shirt. We made ones that said "Working hard so Tony can get his life back". We even made a matching onesie for Tate. And smeared fake oil all over our faces. And carried Dawn liquid soap and a stuffed duck.
I realize now that this costume maybe isn't that original, as a number of people have since told me they are doing the same thing, but people, this was a big deal for me. It was the first time I can remember dressing up since I was in middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL. And I thought we looked pretty good:
And so now, to bring you to the title of this post. It failed utterly. Miserably. And here are all the reasons why:
And so now, to bring you to the title of this post. It failed utterly. Miserably. And here are all the reasons why:
1. We are running late. I am frantically trying to smear fake oil on myself, and whip out a tube of black paint. Only once it is smeared on does Zach ask "is that non-toxic?" I look. In a word, no. And not only is it not non-toxic (meaning that it is, well, toxic), but I now have images of my face being stained black for the next week (because you know how some paint stains your skin?). Need I remind you that my face was already smeared with this stuff? This should have been my first sign that things might go awry. (On an aside- Zach told me later that had I not already been covered in it, he would have refused to put it on his face, but that he decided to go with it for my sake. Isn't that sweet? I think true love must be exposing yourself to potentially toxic paint as a sign of camaraderie because of your wife's ridiculous anxieties about Halloween costumes. Also, we did decide that for the sake of Tate's brain development, we would not put any on his face).
2. We walk up to Eli's house. Eli is running around with his friends, all costumed up. He stops to say hi, then asks what we are wearing. We ask him if he knew about the big oil spill earlier this year. Eli, being a child genius (really), replied that of course he did. So we go on to explain that we are members of the clean-up crew. To which he replies "Oh, and I guess those can be your costumes too". He didn't even know that we were wearing costumes. This was my second indication that things were going to go very, very wrong.
3. We walk into the house and into a room full of all the other adults at the party, standing around a fun Halloween treats table featuring things like brain Jell-O with gummi worms coming out. Probably 10 or 12 adults. And (get ready for it) none of them is wearing a costume. Apparently the "costume party" part of the invitation was only intended for the kids. And here I am, with toxic oil paint smeared across my paint, carrying a stuffed duck and a bottle of Dawn dishsoap, wanting to die. Seriously. I could have just crawled away.
4. We are sitting outside watching the kids play (it was a great party: they played Halloween bingo, and decorated pumpkins, and crushed a pinata). And suddenly, I am asked by at least 3 different people if the paint covering my face is non-toxic. What do I do? Lie? Tell the truth- that I am a total idiot and only thought to check after I had smeared it over my face, and then, when I realized the truth, left it on??? And had Zach put it on too? I didn't really answer, just sort of mumbled something about wanting to be sure it looked like oil.
So all this to say, I think that this whole Halloween-costume thing, which I gave a real try, is officially over. From now on, its a black dress and a witch hat, if anything at all.
(Tate is still super cute, isn't he? Also, notice how much paint is on my face compared to Zach's, who was much more moderate in his oil application.)
Halloween costume = fail.
P.S. Great big huge thanks go out to the one other adult who dressed up in a full-on Yoda costume. Ears, cape and all. I don't know your name, but you are the only reason why I didn't run crying from this party.
P.P.S. Eli, it was a great party. You rock.
